Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Guide to Bad Baby Names.

After attending my friend Redbird's college graduation today, I found myself contemplating a few of the names. Some names even made me want to walk up and smack their mother. Therefore, I have developed the 10 rules of bad baby naming.

1. If you would like your child to be beat up incessantly for the 18-20 years, please by all means name him/her something long or snooty sounding. Names recommended are: Benedict, Mortimer, Harold, Lusitania, Margaret, Albequerque (not even kidding.), and/or Chrysophilia (The love of GOLD).

2. Take a common word and either shorten it, or add a few letters. I.E. Angerine, Lemonjello, Orangejello (Look those two up.), LaCommode (Yes, THE TOILET), Iantelope (Ok I made that one up.), or the ever popular VaGina.

3. Nerd it all up in here. Obscurity is your friend. Terrabithia, Leia, Uhura, Pickard, Facebook (Egyptian), and even Weasley have been used as FIRST names for babies.

4. Use the baby's name as your middle finger to the world. I kid you not, when my nephew was born, the baby across the hall was christened PeeWad. Not even joking. I believe he was renamed by the state shortly after. I've also met a Fuq Hyu, and while in Korea, I met a Fuk Mei.

5.Band names. There's a great area for a terrible baby name. How about Abba, or MetAllica? Or maybe GaGa or Jovi? Why not go all the way and name the twins AC and DC?

6. Pick the name from a catalog. Any catalog. My nephew's name is Ruger, as in the handgun. I have seen such names as Shirt, Tenys Shue (what creative parents!), Motorola, and even Dell.

7. Aim for the sky...or the clouds, or magickal rainbow land. Miracle, Rainbow, Sunshine, Cloudy, Rayne Dae (was my boss), Sparkle, and Promise. Their parents HAD to have been hippies...or at least smoking the ganja... But seriously, by the time these kids are in their twenties, most of them will have to become strippers, because that is the only job that a grownup named Sparkle or Rainbow would be acceptable.

8. Name your kid backwards. This has become a local phenomenon (plague?) that just bugs the daylights out of me. Nevaeh. Really. Why don't you name the next one Lleh? Or Diputs? In my opinion this is not creativity, it is Dedrater.

9. Be cute with your last name. If your last name is Winter, why not Snowy, Wet, and Long? Or if you happen to have a rhyme-able name use it to your advantage. Lacy Tracy, Alli Tialli, Prong Dong (which is terrible on MANY fronts...) or maybe Marina Carabina.

10. Here's my number one bad baby name idea. Name your kid after a disease! Alopecia, DiSlexia, Laren Jitas, Catyract, get the idea.

Now that I've given you the guide, I expect to see some more terrible baby names to keep me company.


  1. A name to add to number 8: Semaj (James backwards). Actually had a kid when I was student teaching that had this name!

  2. Ok, that is positively horrid. Please tell me that it was at least a boy...

  3. My cousin had a girlfriend called Nivek. She was named after her dad (Kevin). True x

  4. OMG is there no name that is sacred? lol