Sunday, May 8, 2011

Shirley Sunday: Every day is Mother's Day

And so the perfect storm has commenced. The calendar has been kind enough to lend me Mother's Day on Shirley Sunday!

Today I will share with you some random and funny facts about the wonder we call Shirley.

1. She is physically incapable of being in the same room (or county, or state) as a snake. Not even on TV. Mike won me a stuffed snake at the arcade and I am gleefully waiting for her to discover it in my house. I don't like snakes either, but I am not quite that bad.

2. She has a unique dialect. Holes become hoes, and instead of using the more common phraseology, she says "when the fan hits the ceiling..." Yeah, that makes a whole lotta sense...\

3. She is SUPER religious. We were dead broke and she told us to pray to God for guidance. I was like "heck no! I'm praying for money, biotch!"

4. She is a perpetual college student. Going on 6 years at the local CC now, and the teachers are trying to figure out a way to MAKE her graduate.

5. She claims to be allergic to EVERYTHING. In truth she's only allergic to things she is afraid of.  Maybe she's allergic to snakes...

6. She is delightfully racist. She actually refers to blacks as COLORED PEOPLE! I once asked her what color they were...she didn't find that as funny as I did...

7. She has absolutely NO gaydar. She met my gay friend Owl at least 50 times before I finally was able to make her understand that he liked the boys. She tried to set him up with her friend's granddaughter...most AWKWARD date EVER!

8.  My mother is terminally helpful. She cannot look at any open space without figuring out what to shove in it to "help" a person. Stuff is not what is needed when you need help spring cleaning... Another man's junk is always her treasure! (And sometimes mine...)

9.  She has formed a tradition of being admitted to the hospital about every 6 months...minor things usually, but she manages to stretch some stays to 3 weeks! Almost like clockwork, she is usually in the hospital around July 4th and Christmas. Sometimes I wonder if she decides to stop taking her meds so she can get some attention.

10. For mother's day, I should add something nice about her...she is generous. Too generous. She will spend every dime my dad gives her to help someone, even a stranger. So, really, she isn't a monster, she's had a hard life and managed as best as she could. That being said, I still think I'll pay for some therapy for her for her birthday. And maybe some Xanax...

To Mommies, Mamas, Moms, and Mothers... (and Mother F*****rs...)

Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady