Saturday, May 14, 2011

Getting gray hair at a time...

Today Das Bear and I got to take a wonderful little girl (Barbie) rollerskating for a girl scout party. It was great to see her fly around the rink and pretend she was ours for an evening. I had made a major error in my thinking when it came to skating with her, however...I have NO balance.

After sitting on the sidelines in my size 9 skates for most of the event, Das Bear finally decided to dare me to try to make it around the rink once.  Yeah, so being dared immediately spiked me into the "oh, no he didn't" mode and I had to prove to him I could do it. So there I went, a menace on 8 wheels, determined to not mow down small children in my quest for victory. About 10 feet from where I started, I discovered something untoward was happening, starting at my ankles and working up. Suddenly my feet were separated about twice as wide as necessary, and the distance was quickly becoming a bigger problem.  Soon, with a yelp I was spread eagle, in the splits, in front of everyone. Luckily I am used to being a clumsy oaf and was able to laugh it off as I stood up.

Apparently I am completely able to ice skate on two little slivers of metal, but cannot balance on 8 big sturdy wheels. I managed to make it through the rest of the trip around the rink, with a few windmills and quick stops. Das Bear found this to be highly entertaining. By the time I came around the last corner, it was a matter of pride, and I HAD to finish strong. So strong I nearly ran down a four year old and clotheslined myself on a half wall.

I'm pretty sure none of that nonsense is going to help my back feel good tomorrow. Oh, well, I guess it was about time I learned my limits.  I just felt another gray hair pop up.

Well, now that it's apparent I have no sporting abilities whatsoever I think it's time for me to apply to the Amazing Race again. Goldarnit they need to pick me so I can prove to my husband that we could TOTALLY win!

To Roller Skates and Rug Burn,

Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady

The Guide to Bad Baby Names.

After attending my friend Redbird's college graduation today, I found myself contemplating a few of the names. Some names even made me want to walk up and smack their mother. Therefore, I have developed the 10 rules of bad baby naming.

1. If you would like your child to be beat up incessantly for the 18-20 years, please by all means name him/her something long or snooty sounding. Names recommended are: Benedict, Mortimer, Harold, Lusitania, Margaret, Albequerque (not even kidding.), and/or Chrysophilia (The love of GOLD).

2. Take a common word and either shorten it, or add a few letters. I.E. Angerine, Lemonjello, Orangejello (Look those two up.), LaCommode (Yes, THE TOILET), Iantelope (Ok I made that one up.), or the ever popular VaGina.

3. Nerd it all up in here. Obscurity is your friend. Terrabithia, Leia, Uhura, Pickard, Facebook (Egyptian), and even Weasley have been used as FIRST names for babies.

4. Use the baby's name as your middle finger to the world. I kid you not, when my nephew was born, the baby across the hall was christened PeeWad. Not even joking. I believe he was renamed by the state shortly after. I've also met a Fuq Hyu, and while in Korea, I met a Fuk Mei.

5.Band names. There's a great area for a terrible baby name. How about Abba, or MetAllica? Or maybe GaGa or Jovi? Why not go all the way and name the twins AC and DC?

6. Pick the name from a catalog. Any catalog. My nephew's name is Ruger, as in the handgun. I have seen such names as Shirt, Tenys Shue (what creative parents!), Motorola, and even Dell.

7. Aim for the sky...or the clouds, or magickal rainbow land. Miracle, Rainbow, Sunshine, Cloudy, Rayne Dae (was my boss), Sparkle, and Promise. Their parents HAD to have been hippies...or at least smoking the ganja... But seriously, by the time these kids are in their twenties, most of them will have to become strippers, because that is the only job that a grownup named Sparkle or Rainbow would be acceptable.

8. Name your kid backwards. This has become a local phenomenon (plague?) that just bugs the daylights out of me. Nevaeh. Really. Why don't you name the next one Lleh? Or Diputs? In my opinion this is not creativity, it is Dedrater.

9. Be cute with your last name. If your last name is Winter, why not Snowy, Wet, and Long? Or if you happen to have a rhyme-able name use it to your advantage. Lacy Tracy, Alli Tialli, Prong Dong (which is terrible on MANY fronts...) or maybe Marina Carabina.

10. Here's my number one bad baby name idea. Name your kid after a disease! Alopecia, DiSlexia, Laren Jitas, Catyract, get the idea.

Now that I've given you the guide, I expect to see some more terrible baby names to keep me company.