Sunday, April 3, 2011

Shirley Sunday: The Honeymoon!

As far as mother-in-laws go, my husband has a doozy. Shirley is one determined person. She is so epic, in fact, that she will be the subject of every Sunday post. Yes, my mother is a real prize.
Today's blog will feature my mother's lack of any ability to let go. She is a hoarder also, so having a hard time letting go is no surprise to me. What was a surprise however was her desperate grabs for control during the first few days we were married. So I present to you "Shirley and the Honeymoon."
The wedding was over and her spoken enemy was now her son-in-law. I was elated, bouncing here and there, excited to go to our new apartment and start our life. I was however, TERRIFIED of the wedding night itself. My mother spent much of my life pre-marriage telling me horror stories about sex. She even got a gynecologist to convince me that my "area" was too small for any kind of meaningful sexual activity. Fast forward to right before we left from the reception. She calls me over and whispers in my ear. "If it hurts, don't cry or yelp. You just lay there and make sure that he thinks you are enjoying it." Ok, well I hadn't even thought about the fact that it might hurt! Oh no! I suddenly developed an intense fear of the male genitalia. I won't give specifics, but that night ended with me sobbing and my husband looking desperately for something to make me feel better. Needless to say, we were up late into the night trying to console each other that the sex would get better. We fell asleep around 4 am. And then all hell broke loose.
At 6 am on the dot, our door was rattling on the hinges. "Dear Lord Jesus, what the Hell is that?" Mr. Kat Lady cautiously opened the door. On the other side, fist poised to bang on the door again was none other than my 5'4" ball of nuts, also known as my mother.
"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn Aaaaaannnnnn!!!!"
She proceeded to explain that she came over to organize my silverware drawer. (She drove 50 miles to ORGANIZE MY SILVERWARE DRAWER the DAY after my WEDDING!) It was obvious that Mr. Kat Lady was scathingly mad, but wanted to not cause any waves with my mom. He let her in and said, "Have at. We're going out anyway." He grabbed my hand, and we walked over to the library just to have some peace. We returned to our ENTIRE house rearranged and boxes of various detritus all over the place. Piles of clothing on the floor in a myriad of colors mocked me, as if to say...YOU left her here, here's your penance. Mike calmly walked to the closet, removed the rifle, loaded it in full view of her, and stated that she had exactly 2 minutes to walk to the door and drive home. She sputtered and yelled, and threatened to call the police, but she left.
That night was the best night of the "honeymoon." We enjoyed another 3 days of peace before my mom even tried to call.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but she is very often the bane of my existence. If I didn't love her I wouldn't care enough to share crazy stories about her!

Mr. Kat Lady often says that there are certain Mother-in-LAWS that MILs should have to follow.
So, commenters, what "Mother-in-Law etiquette" would you like to institute?
Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady