Saturday, April 2, 2011

Battle of the Bathroom!

There are bath people, and there are shower people. You are either one, or the other. There is no middle ground. I myself am a bath person, and cannot understand why anyone would ever want to hurry through what could be such a luxurious experience. Most of the shower people I meet tend to say that they don't have time for a bath in the morning. My comment to that is that they could take a bath the night before. This makes no sense to them, as a shower person's reasoning and personality is the absolute antithesis of a bath person's.

Bath habits are a contentious subject to hardcore bath or shower people. Showerites (as I call them) are religious about their 5 to 15 minute scrub-a-thon. Many even have a choreographed ritualized routine that they follow during their shower.Enter bathroom. Open shower door, turn shower on, close door. Wait 3 minutes. Open door, check temperature, adjust, close door. Wait 3 minutes. Undress, open door, check self out in mirror. Enter shower. Stand at the back of the shower until used to the terroristic onslaught of water. Move under water. Pick up Soap. Drop Soap. Pick up Soap, banging head on front wall of shower. Wash body. Wash genitals. Wash genitals. Rinse body, spending extra time rinsing genitals. Smile. Pick up shampoo. Open shampoo and pour way too much in your hand. Slather shampoo on head. Get shampoo in eyes. Grope blindly for washcloth. Hit head on front shower wall. Wipe off eyes, Rinse hair. Repeat with conditioner. Turn off water. Open door. Shiver uncontrollably. Reach desperately for towel. Miss and slip on floor, walloping your foot on the sink cabinet. Grab towel and dry. Check self out in mirror. Dress, and exit bathroom.

Now bath people (Bathbyterians) are much more relaxed about their daily cleansing ritual. Their bath usually goes something like this... Enter bathroom. Start bathtub faucet. Check temp, insert plug in drain. Undress. Sit naked on toilet reading or playing on phone/ipod. Get absorbed. Notice water is much too deep for tub. Remove plug. Wait 3 minutes. Insert plug. Step into tub. Realize hot water ran out before tub filled. Deal with it and sit down. Lay in tub reading/gaming/whatevering for 15 minutes. Start hot water. Burn foot. Put in still cool-ish water. Resume entertainment. Wait 4 minutes. Turn off hot water. Lay in water until it cools again, remove plug. Wait 4 minutes. Insert plug. Start hot water. Burn foot. Put in still cool-ish water. Resume entertainment. Repeat 4 times. Put entertainment down on toilet as you are now getting sleepy and don't want to get entertainment wet. Nap for 30 minutes. Wake up in chilly water. Realize it's time to get clean and get out. Empty and refill tub again. Wash up, shampoo, condition and empty tub. Get out. Check self out in mirror. Weigh self. Look surprised and then disappointed. Towel off. Get dressed and leave bathroom.

Yes, Showerites and Bathbyterians are two very different breeds. But at least they cleanse themselves. Nobody wants anything to do with the Nobathtists! So remember. Whether you are a Showerite or a Bathbyterian, your way is the right way. And no one can tell you any different.

My personal preference is Bathbyterian. My husband is as well. How do we know? Our shower broke over a month ago, and we have yet to care to fix it. It never got used much anyway...our poor shower will be FOREVER ALONE.

To Cleanliness, and Ridiculous Bathroom Religion!

Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady