Selective Hearing...or What? A Purple Elephant???

Now that we've had quite a bit of fun at my mother's expense, it's time to give dad some of his due. My father is amazing. He has a heart of gold, and a smile that lights up a room. However, he is deaf as a post. Not like sign-language deaf, but definitely has to read lips deaf. At least I think he is, because sometimes he acts like he can't hear but you can see him selectively choosing to ignore you.

This has led to many misunderstandings and hilarious screw-ups. It pisses my mom off, because she can never tell when he's paying attention and when he's not. Or when he doesn't hear the phone, and when he chooses to ignore her calls. Dad (of course) pleads innocent of wrongdoing, but I'm onto him. The following story illustrates this.

Mom asked me to drive her to a doctor appointment in a town about 45 minutes away from where I live. This meant I was going to be gone all day, and Mr. Kat Lady needed a ride to work. I waited until dad got off work at 3:30 and called him. This is the conversation that followed.

Me (calling from Mom's phone): I'm getting voice mail, mom. He's probably not turned it on yet.
(repeat 3 times)

(Mom goes into appointment. I call from my phone. Dad picks up on the first ring.)

Me: Dad, did you have your phone  off?

Dad: No, I saw your mother calling and I decided not to answer.

Me: That was me, dad. I'm with mom.

Dad: Don't tell her I ignored her call.

Me: Ok, but I need a favor.

Dad: What? I can't hear you?

Me: I Need A Favor.

Dad: You're going to have to speak up.

Me: I NEED A FAVOR!!!

Dad: What do you need? Flavor?

Me: (getting really frustrated) A FAAAAVVVVOOOORRRR!!!!

Dad: Oh, I just got out of work, what favor do you need?

Me: Can you drive in and give (Mr. Kat Lady) a ride to work?

Dad: Who a what to where?

Me: Ok, I know you heard that. A ride to work. For my husband. Tonight.

Dad: Ahhh...well let me see...(and now he decides to get playful) how much are you gonna pay me?

Me: Really dad? A hundred bucks. How's that sound. Or maybe a penny. Depends on if he's late to work.

Dad: Can I go to your house and watch Bonanza afterward? (They don't have cable b/c there is no room for a cable installer to get in the house)

Me: (recognizing Dad's want to get out of his house for the evening.) Sure. There's cold pop in the fridge, and chips if you get hungry.

Dad: Do you have any cold pop?

Me: Yes. In the Fridge.

Dad: What if I get hungry?

Me: I said there are chips if you get hungry.

Dad: What?

Me: THERE IS POP IN THE FRIDGE AND CHIPS IF YOU GET HUNGRY!!!

Dad: Well, you don't have to yell.

Me: (Whispering) It's gonna cost you a hundred bucks if I have to repeat myself again.

Dad: I don't have a hundred bucks on me.

Me: (Facepalm.)

So, yeah, I'm on to him. But I think I'll keep that blackmail to myself until I need to use it. That and the "special magazines" hidden in the crawlspace. ;)

To fathers, dads, and grandpappies.

Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady