Sunday, March 13, 2011

I was normal....once...

So, I promised a post about my husband and furkids... so here ya go.

Mike and I were married April 26, 2003. Our marriage was on fire from the beginning. Literally. My half-brother Kody was a candle-lighter, and had one of those long metal poles with a lit wick in it. The wick fell out into a candle, which very nearly caught the whole candelabra on fire. I was behind the windows in the back of the sanctuary crying. Why?? Not because I was upset...because I was laughing so hard. Life's been full of laughter and fun moments since.

We had to learn how to be married. Somehow, just being together wasn't cutting the Being a squeaky clean good girl all through high school (*snort*) and never doing anything wrong, (*giggle*) I was ready to do things MY way. Such as cooking. Specifically, an indian fry bread recipe I learned from a friend in college. And that's where things went screwy. Little miss newlywed wanted to do something cute, sexy, and fun for the new Mr. Kat Lady. I got all the ingredients together, stripped buck naked, turned up the oil (what was I thinking????) and dropped the first piece of fry bread in the pan. Not being what you would call culinarily inclined, I was flying blind. I hadn't noticed a few drops of oil hitting the ground while I poured into the frying pan. (Hey they called it a FRYING pan, how was I supposed to know that you deep fry in a deep pot? LOL) By a few drops I mean the Nile of vegetable oil was flowing down the middle of my hallway sized kitchen. Suddenly, the phone rang. Startled, I turned. And immediately I was Michelle Kwan, spinning, sliding and splitting all over the kitchen trying to find my footing. At last I found a handhold...the screaming hot frying pan full of vegetable oil! Quicker than you can blink my belly and lady parts were on fire with pain. I'm surprised no one called the cops to haul me to the loony bin when they heard "My GOD, MY VAGINA is on FIRE!" through the paper thin walls. I was able to regain calm when I went into shock. I can only imagine the scene at this point, me standing nearly catatonic, naked, and burnt staring at my burning fry bread. At this point I very calmly walked to the bathtub and ran warm water. I took the phone to the bathroom, got in the water, and called the public library for Mike. I'm reasonably sure they thought I was either (a) nuts, or (b) an idiot, when they heard what sounded like a giggling woman asking for her husband because she burnt her vagina. Well...he came home and off to the hospital with friends we went. We didn't have a car and our neighbors had a van. I'm almost certain that the ER workers laughed for a good long while about the lady who burnt her lady parts cooking.

That reminds me of the time we were told by the fire department that we couldn't fry chicken anymore...but that's a story for another post.

-Kat Lady

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