Shirley Sunday: Lady in red...and green...and purple...plaid.

My mother is what I like to call "fashion unconscious." Sometimes I wonder if she's colorblind, or if she really thinks that day-glo green and vomit yellow go together. As an artist, it makes me a bit nuts.

Along with an amazing inability to recognize color complements, she has no idea of flattering cut or patterns. At my high school graduation she wore a blazer that was smattered liberally with giant pink roses. From the stage the jacket looked as if she was wearing a bunch of giant vaginas on an ill fitting suit jacket.

Mind you, she thinks she has an idea of what's current and in fashion, and wants to bestow her opinions on whoever she can. At my wedding, she changed my wedding colors so that they matched the ugly PINK AND MAROON silk bouquet she wanted me to carry. My bridesmaids dresses were ungodly ugly. They ended up with a floor length maroon gown with maroon lace cap sleeves. I was ashamed they had to wear that for me, but by the time I saw them there was no time to redo things. I later found out that mom picked out my flowers to match her dress, which was maroon, and she wanted the bridesmaids to look like her. Ick.

My mother has an unnatural attachment to wearing suit jackets and slacks. Not just any normal suit jacket either. I have counted, and the number of black and white checked suit jackets she owns is astronomical. She pairs them with bright red or navy pants. Then there's the ill-fitting grey suit, that probably would look better on her if she gained 100 pounds. It would also help if she would stop pulling her slacks up to her nipples. (OH GOD! I just talked about my mother's nipples! Where is the bleach? I need to pour some in my ear to make the image go away!)

So yeah, when I was growing up, my mother liberally sprayed my wardrobe with ugly and unfashionable. I cannot count the number of polyester train wrecks that I wore because she said that was what was in style. She had me so brainwashed back then that I actually believed her! Yes, this means that up until about sophomore year of high school I dressed like a douche canoe. (That one's for you Bloggess...)

I am slowly encouraging mom to recycle her old wardrobe into quilt pieces and wear some things I have found that actually complement her skin tone, color range and body type. I'm not asking for Cindy Crawford, but I'd be satisfied with Betty White.

To Golden Girls and Old Biddies,

Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady

How to be BFFs with an LGBTQ...AKA The fag hag.

As you all may have seen, I have a very diverse group of friends. Many of those friends are LGBTQ. For those of you who aren't sure what that stands for, it's Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Transexual and Queer. Those are all different types of homosexuality, and they are all ok with me. Having "collected" gay friends for a while, (they flock to me like moths to a flame) I have come up with several guidelines in becoming a successful fag hag. This is all meant in fun, and is not intended in any mean spirit.

There are many ways to meet your new gay best friend.

1. Any bar with Rainbow or Man Hole in the title. Also giant roosters as images on the sign.

2. Males who work at a lingerie store. I don't know any boss who would hire a straight man to help women choose their underwear.

3. Concerts. Specifically Barbra, Cher, or GaGa.  Also, Joan Crawford movies.

4. Video store. Renting Joan Crawford movies.

and finally,

5. The Grocery store. They are the ones comparing the size of the cucumbers and sniffing the melons for ripeness, not size.

Once you've met your gay, you now begin the process of becoming besties. My suggestions are late night brownie sundaes at Dairy Queen, followed by a morning working it off at the gym, or a Judy Garland and Bette Midler movie marathon.

If your gay is of the femme-ish variety, have a fashion show. You wouldn't believe how natural your new friend can be in your 4 inch heels. Go get Martinis and kvetch over the hotties on Survivor.

If your gay is of the masculine sort, take him to a football game and point out the butts on the players. Also, gymnastics and swimming are great to watch on TV.

So...now your gay is your bestie, and what do you do?

Introduce him to all of your friends! By this point he has given you a fashion makeover/under and it's time to release him to the rest of your buddies!

Remember, the best gay best friend is one you can share!  Also, don't confuse best friend with boyfriend. That's a common mistake. Their may be a guest post in the future about how to tell if your boyfriend is gay...so keep your eyes open!

To Queers, Steers, and Rainbows,

Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady