Well, since Mr. Kat Lady and I are taking a 3 day vacation for our anniversary, he asked me to go online and pick out some cute lingerie to wear. I spent the greater part of this evening looking up discount plus size lingerie. I know, sounds like something that doesn't (or shouldn't) exist. Then I got really disgusted because their idea of plus size is a size 14. I'm sorry but I have a butt. I understand that a 12 can even be considered extra large these days. That's just redonkulous! That being said, I found a list of contenders I am considering buying.
Sometimes the pictures that showed the lingerie were a bit excessive. It looked like they cut a frame from a softcore porn. They were rubbing all over themselves and had the "O" face. I understand lingerie is supposed to lead to the "O" face, but no use getting there before the party has even started. By the way catalog model, I (and all your exes) now know what it looks like when you fake an orgasm. I was almost embarrassed for them. All I could think of is my mother showing up and me answering the door in that piece of lingerie, rubbing my nipples and making that face. *shudder* (Which she better not do. Remind me to have Mr. Kat Lady pack a rifle.) Don't worry, we aren't going far enough away to fly there...funny story about that in the future...
Anyway, I decided to pick only the lingerie in which I would feel sexy, which was hard, because apparently plus size women only wear robes, satin tents, or obnoxious colors. I am proud of my body. Just because I am built more like Bettie Page (Look her up) than Paris Hilton doesn't mean I stopped trying to look sexy for the hubbs! The bigger the girl in the picture, the more desparate the pose was. There was this one girl who just put it ALL out there in every picture. I noticed they slightly blurred her face. They did her a favor. Looking at all those softcore porn catalog pictures made me want to wash out my eye sockets! BLECH! Oh well, the girls get kudos because as a plus sized woman, I don't have the guts to get in front of a camera in nothing but a few strings and scraps of fabric. I'm scared enough of wearing something like it in front of my hubbs as it is! Go big girls! If you're happy, I'm happy...and blind from scrubbing out my eye sockets
To Looking great at ANY size!
Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady
The random musings I manage to pull out of my slightly damaged mind. Also, humor may be involved.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
The Flatulence Fairy (Sorta TMI)
To make a long story short- lately I have been punctuating all of my actions with farts. I'm like an animal who startle farts at any passing noise. I'm not sure what's causing it, but it can be downright embarrassing!
I used to make fun of those ladies in the grocery store, you know, the ones who fart every time they take a step...Now I am one! As I approach my 29th birthday I have begun to realize that my body is rebelling and is currently attacking with chemical warfare. I have tried to change my diet, cut out soda (that was NOT pretty) and eat more fiber. Still farting, only they smell worse!
Yes, I have been visited by the Flatulence Fairy. She may be better known as the Farting Avenger. I have come to terms with the fact that passing gas is neither lady-like nor socially acceptable.
I have begun looking for things to blame the noise/smell on when it happens. When I am at home, sometimes I blame a cat. While at the grocery store if I'm lucky, an old lady will be in the aisle and I can blame it on her. Just not the one I hit with the cookies...
So yes, I am a habitual farter. I can clear a car in under 5 minutes if I have eaten bran cereal for breakfast. I'm kinda proud of that. I am married, so I don't have to worry about scaring off any dates, and as far as farting around my husband- well the shine wore off that penny long ago. We don't even shut the door when we poo anymore.
So fellow farters, stand up with me and acknowledge that gas happens! Let us celebrate the Flatulence Fairy's blessings and know that at least our bowels work. No longer shall we be ashamed of that inevitable sound and smell. No longer shall we blame it on the dog! We shall stand tall and exclaim in the words of many a frat boy, "Smell that? That's what famous smells like!"
To Flatulence Fairies and Farting Avengers,
Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady
I used to make fun of those ladies in the grocery store, you know, the ones who fart every time they take a step...Now I am one! As I approach my 29th birthday I have begun to realize that my body is rebelling and is currently attacking with chemical warfare. I have tried to change my diet, cut out soda (that was NOT pretty) and eat more fiber. Still farting, only they smell worse!
Yes, I have been visited by the Flatulence Fairy. She may be better known as the Farting Avenger. I have come to terms with the fact that passing gas is neither lady-like nor socially acceptable.
I have begun looking for things to blame the noise/smell on when it happens. When I am at home, sometimes I blame a cat. While at the grocery store if I'm lucky, an old lady will be in the aisle and I can blame it on her. Just not the one I hit with the cookies...
So yes, I am a habitual farter. I can clear a car in under 5 minutes if I have eaten bran cereal for breakfast. I'm kinda proud of that. I am married, so I don't have to worry about scaring off any dates, and as far as farting around my husband- well the shine wore off that penny long ago. We don't even shut the door when we poo anymore.
So fellow farters, stand up with me and acknowledge that gas happens! Let us celebrate the Flatulence Fairy's blessings and know that at least our bowels work. No longer shall we be ashamed of that inevitable sound and smell. No longer shall we blame it on the dog! We shall stand tall and exclaim in the words of many a frat boy, "Smell that? That's what famous smells like!"
To Flatulence Fairies and Farting Avengers,
Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)