There are bath people, and there are shower people. You are either one, or the other. There is no middle ground. I myself am a bath person, and cannot understand why anyone would ever want to hurry through what could be such a luxurious experience. Most of the shower people I meet tend to say that they don't have time for a bath in the morning. My comment to that is that they could take a bath the night before. This makes no sense to them, as a shower person's reasoning and personality is the absolute antithesis of a bath person's.
Bath habits are a contentious subject to hardcore bath or shower people. Showerites (as I call them) are religious about their 5 to 15 minute scrub-a-thon. Many even have a choreographed ritualized routine that they follow during their shower.Enter bathroom. Open shower door, turn shower on, close door. Wait 3 minutes. Open door, check temperature, adjust, close door. Wait 3 minutes. Undress, open door, check self out in mirror. Enter shower. Stand at the back of the shower until used to the terroristic onslaught of water. Move under water. Pick up Soap. Drop Soap. Pick up Soap, banging head on front wall of shower. Wash body. Wash genitals. Wash genitals. Rinse body, spending extra time rinsing genitals. Smile. Pick up shampoo. Open shampoo and pour way too much in your hand. Slather shampoo on head. Get shampoo in eyes. Grope blindly for washcloth. Hit head on front shower wall. Wipe off eyes, Rinse hair. Repeat with conditioner. Turn off water. Open door. Shiver uncontrollably. Reach desperately for towel. Miss and slip on floor, walloping your foot on the sink cabinet. Grab towel and dry. Check self out in mirror. Dress, and exit bathroom.
Now bath people (Bathbyterians) are much more relaxed about their daily cleansing ritual. Their bath usually goes something like this... Enter bathroom. Start bathtub faucet. Check temp, insert plug in drain. Undress. Sit naked on toilet reading or playing on phone/ipod. Get absorbed. Notice water is much too deep for tub. Remove plug. Wait 3 minutes. Insert plug. Step into tub. Realize hot water ran out before tub filled. Deal with it and sit down. Lay in tub reading/gaming/whatevering for 15 minutes. Start hot water. Burn foot. Put in still cool-ish water. Resume entertainment. Wait 4 minutes. Turn off hot water. Lay in water until it cools again, remove plug. Wait 4 minutes. Insert plug. Start hot water. Burn foot. Put in still cool-ish water. Resume entertainment. Repeat 4 times. Put entertainment down on toilet as you are now getting sleepy and don't want to get entertainment wet. Nap for 30 minutes. Wake up in chilly water. Realize it's time to get clean and get out. Empty and refill tub again. Wash up, shampoo, condition and empty tub. Get out. Check self out in mirror. Weigh self. Look surprised and then disappointed. Towel off. Get dressed and leave bathroom.
Yes, Showerites and Bathbyterians are two very different breeds. But at least they cleanse themselves. Nobody wants anything to do with the Nobathtists! So remember. Whether you are a Showerite or a Bathbyterian, your way is the right way. And no one can tell you any different.
My personal preference is Bathbyterian. My husband is as well. How do we know? Our shower broke over a month ago, and we have yet to care to fix it. It never got used much anyway...our poor shower will be FOREVER ALONE.
To Cleanliness, and Ridiculous Bathroom Religion!
Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady
This morning we woke up to a great surprise. My bestie from way back and her husband invited us to eat with them. I suggested IHOP. The food was excellent and the conversation great. However, on the way home I began to ruminate over how obviously NOT a parent I am. I admit it, the thought of tiny, grubby toddler hands touching something I plan to eat or drink disgusts me to the core. I have never been able to share food with a kid, not even my dear and wonderful niece and nephew. This is not the only reason I hesitate around children. I also usually don't rush to hold a baby. I'm afraid it may rub off and make me pregnant. (Yes, I know, that's not how it works...) I relish being able to make last minute decisions about trips, and sleeping until I wake up. I admit, I'm selfish. I love having Mr. Kat Lady to myself.
I also thought about how easy it is to recognize someone who IS a parent. Parents are those people with sleep in their eyes and a firm grip on their screaming toddler. Parents can be seen desperately dragging their worn out and crying (or jumping up and down hyper) child out of Walmart following an overloaded cart. Some parents even have children that survive to be teenagers! Those parents often have more than a few gray hairs and a noticeable twitch in their right eye.
Mothers act much differently than fathers. While a mother will take the time to either calm (or threaten) and appease their child, fathers tend to sneak quietly away from the embarrassing scene. They can usually be found in Automotive or Hardware. When located, fathers often look sheepish and embarrassed.
It's a whole different animal for grandparents. They've been through this before. They're the ones giving the misbehaving child a swat, then a stuffed animal to apologize. Grandparents are bipolar. They feel obligated to punish the child for bad behavior, then reward them to make sure the child still loves them. This is often followed by a trip to the Dairy Queen, or park. Seasoned grandparents are less likely to reward after punishment. Their reason? Oh, well if this one hates me I still have the firstborn I spoiled into loving me. (Or, in the case of my mother, I screwed up the first one, let me try this again with the second one...more on her parenting and grandparenting later.)
It's also quite obvious when a single person (or a couple without children) is with the family. They choose one of two stances when confronted with a screaming child. One, (usually a female, but sometimes a male) will try to appease the child- usually with candy, soda, or some other forbidden object to the child. The other becomes the ostrich. This is the blushing, ducking, fade into the corner person. (Usually this is me.) Either way, these "singles" are doomed to failure.
My husband is an appeaser. Young screaming child, would you like my caffeinated soda? That's okay, I'll just get another. My hat? Why sure, if you'll just take a breath. (At this point, the child usually distracts themselves in manifesting the soda into a future hyperactive fit.) He smiles nervously as the child realizes they have created a permanent soda and candy dispenser. Yeah, he's probably always going to be any kid's choice when it comes to us two.
As I said, I'm an ostrich. When confronted with a few screaming kids or a gaggle of cheery 7 year olds, I revert to the "you can't see me if I can't see you" behavior. If possible, I find the nearest adult sanctuary (read bathroom, lounge, or bar) and hang there until things are more under control. I know, this makes me a horrible person, but I have come to terms with that. I am firmly certain that should life circumstances ever make me a mother, I will revert to the above mentioned mother behavior. I think. I hope. Because if not, Mr. Kat Lady is going to have to learn to breast feed...
And with that lovely image I leave you.
Love and Laughter
-Kat Lady
