To make a long story short- lately I have been punctuating all of my actions with farts. I'm like an animal who startle farts at any passing noise. I'm not sure what's causing it, but it can be downright embarrassing!
I used to make fun of those ladies in the grocery store, you know, the ones who fart every time they take a step...Now I am one! As I approach my 29th birthday I have begun to realize that my body is rebelling and is currently attacking with chemical warfare. I have tried to change my diet, cut out soda (that was NOT pretty) and eat more fiber. Still farting, only they smell worse!
Yes, I have been visited by the Flatulence Fairy. She may be better known as the Farting Avenger. I have come to terms with the fact that passing gas is neither lady-like nor socially acceptable.
I have begun looking for things to blame the noise/smell on when it happens. When I am at home, sometimes I blame a cat. While at the grocery store if I'm lucky, an old lady will be in the aisle and I can blame it on her. Just not the one I hit with the cookies...
So yes, I am a habitual farter. I can clear a car in under 5 minutes if I have eaten bran cereal for breakfast. I'm kinda proud of that. I am married, so I don't have to worry about scaring off any dates, and as far as farting around my husband- well the shine wore off that penny long ago. We don't even shut the door when we poo anymore.
So fellow farters, stand up with me and acknowledge that gas happens! Let us celebrate the Flatulence Fairy's blessings and know that at least our bowels work. No longer shall we be ashamed of that inevitable sound and smell. No longer shall we blame it on the dog! We shall stand tall and exclaim in the words of many a frat boy, "Smell that? That's what famous smells like!"
To Flatulence Fairies and Farting Avengers,
Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady
The random musings I manage to pull out of my slightly damaged mind. Also, humor may be involved.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Brutal Honesty: The cure for Creative Lying.
My therapist and I have been discussing how I deal with situations. Beyond the fact that I am notoriously bad at expressing my feelings, I do something I like to call "Creative Lying." I can't just lie outright, there must be reasons and stories, to make it as complicated as possible. All because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Meanwhile, the soul sucking effort of trying to find a way to be nice is killing me!
How do you tell someone that their baby looks like an alien without totally insulting them and losing your friendship? Creative lying. We all do it, as being Politically Correct is more important than being honest. So instead of saying "I think I saw your baby in Men In Black!" you say "Your baby looks out of this world!" Why not be honest and say, "your baby isn't cute yet, but I bet he/she will be when they grow into their skin." Or at the very least "What an INTERESTING baby!"
I can't just say "What an INTERESTING baby." I have to say "What an INTERESTING baby! He/She looks just like Daddy/Mommy, or even Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie (Who I imagine were VERY ugly babies as they only had 3 of their own after adopting a country or two.). " Way overboard. At this point they are staring at their babies from about every angle possible to see the resemblance. There is none.
Sometimes we lie creatively just to release ourselves from uncomfortable situations. Once, while we were at a couple's house, they began to fight. All out screaming, crying, pointing fight. At that point we needed to get out of there, so we told them we were late for dinner and scrammed. What we should have told them is that their embarrassing outburst made us uncomfortable, so we decided to leave. Or, "you're bitchfest is mighty loud, partners! Take it to the O.K. Corral and shoot it out already!" I mean it was like an afterschool special on fighting!
So I've decided, brutal honesty is going to be my cure for creative lying. Someone asks me if I like their dog, I say "No, it looks like a miniature version of Jabba the Hut." I know it sounds cruel, but it's better than lying constantly to spare someone's feelings. If I sound like a bitch, yeah, I am. I've come to terms with it, and moved to bigger and better things. *Looks up for falling house*
The only person I will have trouble with being brutally honest with is my mother. Creative lying keeps me from having to think about removing her organs one by one with a razor blade and my bare hands. "Sorry, Mom, I can't type your homework because your homework looks like it was written by a blind monkey in the midst of throwing poo." Or, "I cannot type your homework because I have a LIFE. You've made it this far, LEARN TO TYPE!" But instead of ripping her to shreds, I say "When do you need it? I haven't been feeling well so it may take a while..." As you can all tell, I have no problem with word count or time constraints. I could type it in 30 minutes. I just don't want to.
So, creative lying out, and brutal honesty in. I am looking forward to being punched in the face several times this week...lol. I'll update you and we'll see how this goes.
To being brutally honest and taking blows to the head!
Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady
How do you tell someone that their baby looks like an alien without totally insulting them and losing your friendship? Creative lying. We all do it, as being Politically Correct is more important than being honest. So instead of saying "I think I saw your baby in Men In Black!" you say "Your baby looks out of this world!" Why not be honest and say, "your baby isn't cute yet, but I bet he/she will be when they grow into their skin." Or at the very least "What an INTERESTING baby!"
I can't just say "What an INTERESTING baby." I have to say "What an INTERESTING baby! He/She looks just like Daddy/Mommy, or even Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie (Who I imagine were VERY ugly babies as they only had 3 of their own after adopting a country or two.). " Way overboard. At this point they are staring at their babies from about every angle possible to see the resemblance. There is none. Sometimes we lie creatively just to release ourselves from uncomfortable situations. Once, while we were at a couple's house, they began to fight. All out screaming, crying, pointing fight. At that point we needed to get out of there, so we told them we were late for dinner and scrammed. What we should have told them is that their embarrassing outburst made us uncomfortable, so we decided to leave. Or, "you're bitchfest is mighty loud, partners! Take it to the O.K. Corral and shoot it out already!" I mean it was like an afterschool special on fighting!
So I've decided, brutal honesty is going to be my cure for creative lying. Someone asks me if I like their dog, I say "No, it looks like a miniature version of Jabba the Hut." I know it sounds cruel, but it's better than lying constantly to spare someone's feelings. If I sound like a bitch, yeah, I am. I've come to terms with it, and moved to bigger and better things. *Looks up for falling house*
The only person I will have trouble with being brutally honest with is my mother. Creative lying keeps me from having to think about removing her organs one by one with a razor blade and my bare hands. "Sorry, Mom, I can't type your homework because your homework looks like it was written by a blind monkey in the midst of throwing poo." Or, "I cannot type your homework because I have a LIFE. You've made it this far, LEARN TO TYPE!" But instead of ripping her to shreds, I say "When do you need it? I haven't been feeling well so it may take a while..." As you can all tell, I have no problem with word count or time constraints. I could type it in 30 minutes. I just don't want to.So, creative lying out, and brutal honesty in. I am looking forward to being punched in the face several times this week...lol. I'll update you and we'll see how this goes.
To being brutally honest and taking blows to the head!
Love and Laughter,
-Kat Lady
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